Ghost Effect. p11

GHOST:

Bucky nodded.
“They wiped and re-programmed me so many times I began to lose count of what they took and what they gave back. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever gain back all of what I lost. But certain things were the same every time; I know that, like they had a list of desirable qualities, a recipe of how to make sure the Winter Soldier remained the Winter Soldier. I’m assuming they used it on you too.”
The duo spent the next few minutes sitting in silence. Bucky seemed to realize that he’d just dropped a huge bomb of knowledge, both great and terrible into her world, and Ghost appreciated that he wasn’t pushing her to make or share a conclusion. If he did, she didn’t know if she could give him one. What he was suggesting was crazy, but given the life she’d been living, was it really that far-fetched? Until meeting him she didn’t even know how to eat. Normal people didn’t sleep in cryo tubes or have their memories wiped to avoid problems with future missions.
Of course, what did she know about normal people? According to Heir and what Bucky was suggesting, she didn’t have any experience with “normal” life. Then again, when Bucky talked about it, he never gave off the impression that the red-room or his time with them had been the beginning. He seemed to know where he belonged, what he came from.
“Bucky.”
She said, using his name on her own accord for the first time, despite his constant insisting. He looked up, his blue eyes full of compassion and even hope.
“How did you know that you were Russian. Other than the star, I mean.”
He paused for a moment, a small smile coming to his lips as he thought of something.
“Every time I woke up, it was the language I thought in. Maybe not the one I spoke with the handlers or on mission, but definitely the one in my head.”
Ghost nodded, looking back out the window. She thought in English, American English. So did that mean she was from there? It was all so confusing, this life outside the compound. It was easier when she could just be Ghost and sleep peacefully when she wasn’t being told what to do, to not have to think about how much of her was her and how much of her was someone else.
“And G,” She caught him looking at her, “look for the things that you know why you do them. Not just because they work the best, or because you learned them that way, but the real meaning behind it. Those are the things that are really you.”
Another pause and then he added. “I tie my shoes backwards because my mother was left-handed.”
Ghost smiled at the thought of a young Bucky trying to learn how to tie his shoes, only to find out later that he did it different from everyone else. Yet another clue that there was more to him than just the Winter Soldier, a glimpse into the time before. She drifted off to sleep with thoughts of what her before-time might have been like, wondering if she’d ever have the chance to find out.